Altair's Outtakes
by Paradox de la Paladino
Summary: Ever wonder about why some things in AC are the way they are? So does Altair. See what happens when the cameras aren't rolling.


Playing Assassin's Creed got me wondering – so many annoying things happen to Altair and he never reacts to them. What if he did?

* * *

Damascus Bureau Leader: Aside from the failure and the hatred, I envy you very much.

Altair: What the—? Is that supposed to be some sort of compliment?

Damascus Bureau Leader: Well, yes, I suppose.

Altair: *punches bureau leader in the face* Aside from your broken nose, I envy your face very much – now give me my damn feather.

* * *

Malik: Altair, I seriously do not want to do this.

Altair: We made a bet. You have to.

Malik: Can't I just pay you or something?

Altair: No.

Malik: FINE! *sighs and lays down on the ground with his left arm outstretched*

*A horse and cart go over Malik's tunic, over the part where his left arm used to be*

Malik: AHHH! My arm! You cut off my arm!"

Driver: Oh no! I'm so sorry. *he gets out to help Malik, who's still screaming in pretend pain*

Altair: *grins*

* * *

Version 1:

Poor Woman: Please, Sir, I'm poor and sick and hungry! Could you spare a few coins?

Altair: So am I. They don't feed me until I assassinate someone. *grins* Do you volunteer?

Version 2:

Poor Woman: Please, Sir, I'm poor and sick and hungry! Could you spare a few coins?

Altair: I can't. Even if I wanted to "spare a few coins" I don't have that function. Not even EZIO has that function. [Seriously, I played ACII and I tried to give some begging guy money – didn't work.]

Version 3:

Poor Woman: Please, Sir, I'm poor and sick and hungry! Could you spare a few coins?

Altair: *PUNCH* SHUT UP! Stop harassing me! Do you have a harem of sisters or something? You women are in EVERY city! Oh sure, Ezio gets a city full of prostitutes and I get you useless beggars who ruin all my missions! Seriously, I'm being timed to assassinate some lard ass and you can't get out of my way. *begins stabbing the woman* I never even get laid in this game! Ezio gets Christina Vespucci in the first SCENE! *unnecessary stabbing*

* * *

Scholars: I only wish my sons were half as brave as you.

Altair: Why half?

Scholars: Erm, I don't know. It just seemed like a good line to say.

Altair: Fire your screen writer.

* * *

Vigilantes: You know I could have taken care of them myself. But you—

Altair: Oh really? I risk my life, get stabbed in the butt and THAT is what you say to me?

Vigilante: B-but I was going t-to say that you've done right by me!

Altair: *picks up Vigilante woman and carries her to a group of guards and puts her in the middle* There! Go take care of them yourself! *walks away in a huff*

* * *

Altair: *after being chased by guards, he starts praying in the middle of a group of scholars* Seriously, how does this even make sense?

Guards: What?

Altair: I mean, I have a GIANT belt with about three different weapons on it and all these Scholars have are white robes. Are you guys really that stupid to confuse me with them?

Guards: Yeah, but you're praying. Assassin's don't pray.

Altair: *faceplam*

* * *

Ezio: Hey Altair! I can swim.

Altair: Fuck you, Ezio.

Ezio: Well, I wasn't trying to be mean! *looks hurt* I was just trying to impress you, Grandpa!

Altair: *beats up Ezio and knocks him in the river* I told you to shut up! *looks at river and shudders* And don't call me Grandpa!

* * *

Altair: *jumping from building to building*

Citizen: *from below* If he falls, I'm not going to help him.

Altair: *stops jumping* That was not cool.

Citizen: *looks up* What?

Altair: That was NOT cool. You know, I probably rescued your sister or even your mom earlier (Vigilantes) or maybe even your dad (Scholars) and if I fall, you're not even going to help me?

Citizen: Well, I didn't mean it that wa—

Altair: Furthermore, I'm risking my ass out there every day killing people who want to control your lives and brain and you can't even see if I'm alive?

Citizen: I was just making a comment! I wasn't being serious—

Altair: Not to mention the fact that I do all this for all of you on an empty stomach. Seriously, neither the bureau leaders nor Al Mualim feed me. I don't even know what I'm living on!

Citizen: I'm sorry, that's horrible . . .

Altair: *shoots throwing knife at Citizen* Nobody understands me! *dramatic yell to the sky, fists clenched*

* * *

Malik: Just do a leap of faith!

Altair: *standing atop the biggest view point* Down there?

Malik: Yes.

Altair: Down… there?

Malik: Umm yes?

Altair: Fifty feet below us? You want me to leap in "faith" fifty feet below?

Malik: Well . . .yes.

Altair: . . .and a small haystack can save me from imminent death? A small haystack, with this wind resistance and my high vertical velocity, that I'm lucky enough to hit, will save me?

Malik: Umm . . . *small voice* yes?

Altair: *picks up Malik and throws him towards the haystack and watches as Malik goes splat* Yeah, I thought so. *begins to climb down view point.

* * *

Altair: As amazing as this is, this makes absolutely no sense.

Al Mualim: What doesn't?

Altair: This blue thing. Every time I assassinate someone, this strange blue thing surrounds me. Then, when that person has told me their dramatic dying words, I suddenly come back to reality and 20 guards are trying to kill me.

Al Mualim: Yeah, I hated that when I used to assassinate back in the day. I kinda just lounged around in this blue thing, you know, continued to talk to the person because I didn't want to face the guards.

Altair: I'd do that but you all die too quickly. But I guess I can give it a shot. So, Al Mualim, what was your childhood like—

Al Mualim: *dies*

Altair: FUCK! *one second later, the blue light disappears and 20 guards are trying to have surprise butt secks with Altair*

* * *

Author's Note: If this seems slightly out of characters, that's probably because it's supposed to be. These are outtakes, meant to be funny and silly, not how these characters are really like. :)


End file.
